No More Excuses
by purplepeopleeater78
Summary: Lupin comes to tell tonks how he really feels. its another one of those how they got together stories though sorta AU. i would put it before DH. sorry about the title. i'm about to go to bed and its the best i can think of.


To anyone on the outside it would look like a young woman staring at the full moon. They might say she looked depressed or a little angry but they would be wrong, completely wrong. Nymphadora Tonks wasn't staring at the moon; no she was glaring at it. The thing that caused the man she loved agony, she hated it absolutely despised it, for not only did it bring him pain but it also kept him away from her, his main excuse for not being with her.

"What a stupid excuse" she thought. "I'm not a child I can take care of myself"

As for looking a little depressed they didn't realize that the girl with the pale heart shaped face, mousy brown hair, bags under her eyes and a scar running from her left eye to her chin was wrong. She was never seen with a conventional hairstyle or colour, and when she did it was only because she was working so had to be inconspicuous. She was hardly ever tired on the contrary she was usually the life of the party, and if she were feeling a little under the weather she would morph the bags away. As for the scar no other person, with the exception of one, had or will ever see that or any of her scars.

Nymphadora, or Tonks as she preferred but she hardly had the energy to correct people anymore, was a mess. She only left the flat for work, either ministry work or order work. Once or twice Molly Weasly had managed to drag her from her home but other than that she wouldn't leave. She wouldn't eat, except for the meals that Molly brought and practically force-fed her. In short she simply wasn't functioning. And it was all the fault of one stupid, self-sacrificing man that had hurt her so much but couldn't bring her self to hate. She couldn't hate the man in question for so many reasons, the main one being that she loved him and she knew he loved her too. Even if he wouldn't admit it to her. The other being that though he was hurting her he was doing what he thought was the right and safest thing for her.

Tonks was sitting at the window and had been for so long that when a knock came at her door she jumped and fell out of her chair, smashing the cup that was in her hands. After hastily retrieving her wand and repairing the cup she looked out the window and realized dawn had come. Then she remembered that only a small collection of people knew where she lived and she also knew that they were all going to be busy this morning and so couldn't possibly be there. After realizing this she instantly went into auror mode. Cold, detached, no more emotions, no more anything, just her wand and the spells she knew.

"Let me in Nymphadora, I need to talk to you"

Hearing this voice made her relax a little, and she started towards the door before remembering that she was an auror. Just letting someone into her flat was really very stupid. Especially when all she had to go on was a voice, a voice she knew and loved, but still only a voice.

"You know I need more information than that" She said trying to hide the love, hope and hurt in her voice that only he could bring out. Trying to hide the fact that she hadn't slept in days and had spent the majority of her time crying before the tears had run out. Trying, and failing.

On the other side of the door Remus Lupin winced, he knew exactly what she was hiding from him and it hurt him so much. He loved her more than any man had loved a woman before and it hurt him to know she was in that much pain. To make it even worse he knew he was the sole cause of her pain. It was almost enough to change his mind and to make him leave without telling her the truth.

Almost

The words came out of his mouth before he realized it.

"I'm so sorry Nymphadora, I love you and I can't stay away from you anymore. I need to be with you and I really hope that one day you will be able to forgive me for being an idiot. I completely understand if you hate me for-…"

At this point the door opened and out came a depressed but slightly more hopeful looking Nymphadora Tonks.

Remus was internally kicking himself. This was not how he had wanted to say it at all. He wanted to see her face as he professed his love for her. He wanted to be able to see if she would forgive him or if he had simply hurt her too much. He wanted to be able run his finger down her left cheek and see if she would let him see her scars. But instead he ended up saying it through a locked door.

"…ever" he trailed off as he looked at her properly. She looked almost as bad as her voice had sounded. The bags under her eyes were so dark they looked painful. Her hair was a mousy brown colour that under the right circumstances he wouldn't mind to see but he knew these weren't the right circumstances. She was so skinny that her clothes were hanging off her. The only thing she had managed was to morph away her scars. She look awful and he hated himself even more than before because he knew it was his fault. The only thing that kept him from breaking down at the sight of her pain was the glimmer of hope in her eyes.

"Shut up Remus. I get to talk now and don't you dare interrupt me. Especially if it's to tell me your dangerous or one of your other bullshit excuses"

"Of course. I'm not here to give you any more excuses, but maybe before you start talking we should go inside. This is a remarkably cold hallway and although I don't deserve any comfort I fear I may collapse if I have to stand up for much longer"

Tonks looked around her as if only just realising that they were standing in the doorway and not sitting on the couch by the warm fire in her lounge room. She wordlessly took his hand and led him to her couch. When they sat down she didn't go of his hand.

"I don't hate you. I have tried to hate you but I can't. I love you Remus and nothing anyone says or does can change that fact. You know I don't care about you being a werewolf and I also know that most of society will probably shun me, as they do to you, if I am with you. What you don't seem to be able to understand is that I would choose you over society every single time no matter what. As for the other reasons your not really that much older than me and I find it insulting that you would think that I care for something as unimportant as money."

Remus squeezed her hand tightly and clung onto it like it was the only thing keeping him alive. He wasn't going to let go this time. He was as dependent on her as she was on him. He always had been but now his dependency went further than his need for her safety. He needed her with him, he needed to not only know of her safety but to be the one that protected her. Even if he couldn't do it for the whole month he needed to be there for the rest of the time.

"I'm not going to leave you Nymphadora. It's like I said before; I can't stay away from anymore. It's too painful. I don't know if you know but I've been in just as much pain as you these last few months."

"I knew" she said very quietly "I saw the pain in your eyes I don't think anyone else did because you really are quite good at masking your pain but did you really think I could fall in love with someone and not be able to tell when they were hurting."

He was shocked. Nobody had ever seen through his façade. No even James and Surius who he knew so well. Or Molly who could tell everything that was going on with someone when all they said was hello.

"I…wow. Nobodies ever noticed before."

"Yeah, well, I love you"

"I love you too Nymphadora. More than you will ever know. I want you to be able to forgive for doing what I did and I want to be with you, but before you tell me how you feel I think you deserve to know why I've stayed away. Although you probably already figured it out since you seem to be able to read me so well."

Tonks stayed silent. She looked at him expectantly and squeezed his hand reassuringly when he looked like he was waiting for her to say something. Once he was sure she wasn't going to say anything he licked his lips, cleared his throat and continued.

"The truth is I was scared, I still am love is terrifying but I was scared of different things. I have lost everyone I have loved, my father, James, Lily, Surius. I know it's a stupid reason for staying away but I thought that if I pushed you away then maybe I wouldn't have to loose you too."

When he had the courage to look into her eyes again he saw they were swimming with tears. He raised his thumb to her to wipe away a stray tear. She leaned into his hand and closed her eyes.

She felt more complete than she had in months. She wanted to reassure him that she wasn't going to die but she knew that she couldn't control this. She wanted to tell him that he was being an idiot but she didn't think that this reason was as stupid as the others. She wanted to comfort him but had no idea what to say. Instead she settled for doing what she had wanted to do when she first opened her door.

She opened her eyes, took his face in between her hands and forced him to look her in the eye.

"Don't. Call. Me. Nymphadora" then she moved her head forward the few centimeters and kissed him. It was unlike any kiss she had experienced before; even the few they had shared were not as good as this. It was like he was saying he would never leave her, that he would never let her out of his sight if he could help it.

When the need for air become too much they reluctantly pulled apart. He rested his forehead on hers and looked into her eyes. He could still see the hurt in her eyes but it was much less. The love and hope had taken over and he was sure that his eyes were showing her the same emotions.

"Well if a can't call you Nymphadora what can I call you?"

"Why can't you call me Tonks like everyone else?" She would never admit it but she actually secretly liked it when he called her Nymphadora, it sounded right coming from him.

"Because Tonks is so impersonal. What about Nymph"

At that she gave an involuntary shudder. That was worse than Nymphadora. Not even he could call her that.

"I'll take that as a no then" after seeing her glare "What about Dora"

"I guess, I could put up with that" she smiled. "I love you Remus"

"I love you too. Dora" his smile was beautiful. He didn't do it nearly enough she decided.

It was at this point that she realized that she had been up all night glaring at the moon, a very full moon. He had come immediately after he transformed. He must be exhausted. Just as she thought this she saw him trying to stifle a yawn.

"Bed" she stood up, held out her hand, which he accepted gratefully, and led her to her bedroom.

When they reached her room she closed the curtains and pushed her clean laundry off the bed with a flick of her wand. It was times like this when she wished she had her mother's talent for household spells.

When she turned around to face Remus again she noticed him unbuttoning his shirt she stopped him, grabbing his hands and shaking her head. He looked at her a little confused waiting for an explanation.

"I want to do it" and she finished undoing his shirt and pushed it slowly from his shoulders. She then undid the fly on his pants and pushed them off his hips and down his legs until he was standing completely naked before her. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he bent down so she could kiss him.

"I need to see you" she took off her shirt and reached her hands behind her back to unhook her bra when she felt a pair of large, warm hands cover hers and finish what she started he then removed her jeans and underwear and stared at her.

"All of you. Please?" she nodded and screwed up her face. He saw scars covering her body. Scars that she never let anyone see. Some from her childhood, others from particularly vicious dark wizards she had been after.

He traced every one with his fingers as if he could make her forget the pain that had caused them. When he looked back up to her face he could see tears running down her cheeks. He kissed them away before covering her lips with his own.

He then picked her up and carried her to the bed. He threw back the covers and put her down as gently as if he were putting a priceless crystal class on a hard stonewall.

When he lay down next to her she immediately wrapped her arms around him and put her head on his chest, right over his heart. So she could hear it beating.

He pulled the covers up over them then wrapped his arms protectively around her. He held her as if he was never going to let go. If he could he would lie here with her in his arms for the rest of eternity. But they were in the middle of a war so he would just have to make do with the few hours they would get until she got called to work, or he got called to do something for the order.

"I love you, Dora" he whispered into her hair as they were falling asleep

"I love you too Remus. No matter what happens, no matter what you do, or what others say. I will always love you and nothing will ever change that"

"Good. Because I shed a lot of hair" the last thing he heard before he drifted off to sleep was the most beautiful sound of her laughter and just before his eyes fluttered closed he saw is favourite shade of bubblegum pink.


End file.
